Active Shooter Spray: A Satire

Updated: Nov 16, 2018

By Lana Stunkel

If you think that the safety of our children from school shootings has been placed on the back burner during this election season, then I have good news for you!

From the big thinkers that brought you “Bucket of Boulders” comes a state of the art and revolutionary product, “No, No Bad!” spray. This active shooter spray comes in an easy to use container. Armed with this spray, school staff will be instructed to simply point and pull the trigger. Not to be confused with an actual weapon, this spray is formulated to gently bring a shooter to their senses. These spray bottles are filled with distilled water for MAXIMUM stinging power when sprayed directly into the shooter’s eyes.

You want more? You got it! As the staff member aims this potent spray, the will be instructed to say in a stern voice, “No, No Bad!” while the remaining staff joins hands in a friendship circle and sings “Kumbaya.” Oops, sorry folks! We took God out of our schools so in lieu of “Kumbaya,” we will take inspiration from Barney and sing,“I Love you, and you love me!” This is guaranteed to stop any shooter and make them feel bad for what they have done! Compact and easy to store in any desk this product will give school staff the confidence that they are safe, making our children a top priority.

Get yours today! Today only, we will throw in not one but TWO spray bottles! That is a three for one value, folks! That is not all! Order today and we will include a playlist of additional friendship songs that will have you feeling warm and fuzzy all over. This is a $49.99 value for only $19.99! After all, can you put a value on our children’s safety? Yes, you can! Only $19.99, plus shipping and handling.

Disclaimer: This product along with more gun regulations will have absolutely no effect stopping an active shooter. Much like those pesky “gun free zones” and politicians, who talk big and do nothing for our children, our school staff will remain sitting ducks. Continued use of this product may result in a blistered backside and an uneasy feeling that might result in vomiting. If confronted with an active shooter, please, follow school protocol while thanking your local legislatures for their prompt attention to this important issue.


Cover image courtesy of:

https://phscutlass.com/7098/opinions/stricter-gun-control-laws-are-key-to-preventing-future-mass-shootings/

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